back to basics?

well me and brandon are back on good terms yet ada and leon are still at eachother throats and today i told her that i felt second best but somehow she still doesn't get it and you know what it sux but the thing is i may lose her and as much at it kills me i know it's gonna happen soon because maybe i'll just stop.....i''ll end it all...well anyways i still miss my little brothers but i find myself hating my mom more because she is the reason they got taken away and the reason i can't see my grandmother i blame her for allowing my step-dad to use me like he did, i blame her for allowing my dad to treat my grandma like a pay check for his drugs how he treated them like shit...she is the fucking worse possible thing that could happen to any child i hate her with all my heart. i spent half my life wondering what i ever did wrong, why my mom never loved me, what could i could have ever done to deserve it? how could she? the other half of my life wondering what i did to desserve my step dad to do those things to me? i can't believe he balmed me for it i'm glad she's with him she deserves him even thought he beat her and i felt bad for her. i mean why would she choose him over me? what is that bitches problem? well anyway i've gotta go ^_^